the SUM of all Fears...

well.. after a long break i decide to write again on this blog. a recent incident has left me devoid of the so called memorable incidents which happened in my life but how on earth can i remember about it unless i atleast try to think about it.

so this time i will write about something which a lot of people have asked me. Something which lot of people have doubts about. about something which some people are actually concerned about. The answer to one of the biggest questions on earth. WHY AM I LIKE THIS!!!!! Hey, it is a big question coz many who know me have asked me this, many who read my blog have asked me this, let alone strangers have asked strangers this question. I never had an answer to it untill some days back.

But even before i start off with telling the reason or going into an in-depth psychological analysis of my head, i need to be very clear on one fact that whatever i had written on my blog is true. YES folks, that is how i think, i can't help but think of 100 different ways, a sentance can be valued, a hundred different statistics which might have a remote connection with the scenarion i am in or calculating approximated standing probability for the outcome of my actions and ya of course using un-intelligable technical jargon in everything i do and say. I almost never forget any wierdo jargon or scientific term once i come across it but i would be most certain to forget the name of the person to whom i would have been talking for the past one hour, the route which i am required to take in order to return to a previously visited destination by myself. I dont even think there is anything wrong with me coz i expected others to be exactly like but except for the simple fact that they are NOT.

I almost always have this wierd fight going on in my head, especially when i talk to people especially cute girls, which would have my crazy half speaking out loud and my normal half screaming in my head. it would go something like this.


Crazy half: blah blah blah blah.. and hence blah blah blah. (rolling drums and punchline...)

Normal half: wooooo.. great job mate. that was just AWSOME..

Crazy half: But still you know that blah blah blah... blah blah... and so blah blah (and half awkward drum roll and another 'punchline')...

Normal half: What was that for?? you had nailed the conversation.. why did you even start talking again?? You really need to..

Crazy half: Even though, you see what i said may not be fully right as blah blah blah blah...

Normal half: WTF?? why the hell are you saying the other side of the story?? SHUT UP dude...

Crazy half: Blah blah blah. So you see, i am not right, probably you are!!! hence blah blah blah..... (drummer walks off... Still manages a reversed punchline (probably should say kickline (coz kick might be the opposite of punch (oh shit, too many brackets)))))

Normal half: Dude, do you realize that you are now argueing with yourself???

Crazy half: (oh shit... i am standing on the wrong side).. hey though i said that blah blah blah blah blah.. see so whatever i said is right.. blah blah..

Normal half: Its amazing how many different ways you can tell the same thing again. I though there were just past, present and future tenses.. but you created more dimentions to it?? einstein and stephan hawkings would be proud of you.... sheeesh..

Crazy half: so you see, even we are standing on the same page, i belive what i said it right... (No drumroll still a manageable punchline)

Normal half: bravo, saved you skin, now SHUT up and walk away leaving her to linger in her guilty consciousness... Buhaaa haa haaa.. (my trademark evil laughter).

Crazy half: BUT.. i can understand why you feel so.... blah blah..

Normal half: OMG, you've gotta be kiddin me..


And this vicious cycle goes on and on till myself and the person talking to me gets confused on who was on which side of the arguement or ofcourse with the other person walking out leaving me argueing with myself. what i fail to understand is that I can very clearly hear my normal half telling me to SHUT UP but its like my mouth has a mind of its own (WOW that statement just looked dangerous :-)) its the same when i give a speach with the only difference being that i throw all my punch lines in, and then keep going again only to find that (yes you guessed it) i dont have an end to the speech.

Now all this things made me really confused about what is wrong with me. I even doubted if i had DID (disassociative identity disorder), commonly known as multiple personality. But DID will not scream in you head!! so it was not that. I thought maybe it was due to the way i was brought up (blaming things as handling defect (or simply called "blaming the parents") is the most simple and classy excapes ever) which caused this problem. Since the scream was inside me, they dint even have to know about it.. 'Wink'..

But then, recently i came across an incident (which i might soon write about once i am over it) due to which i had to go see a doc (NOT a psycho one (NOT a type)). It was to check out a concussion. It is there he smelt something fishy (this usage particularly bothers me) with me and asked me to take a couple of evaluations. Once done, it seems i had a condition which all of a sudden, gave me a new dimension to look for answers. I had a severe case of ADHD or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (also known as ADD or attention defecit disorder). It is a neurological disorder with me and which is mostly genetic in nature (hey now rather than handling default, i could blame it on manufacturing defect :-D which would void me of any responsibility of whatever i am). ADHD makes you talk compulsively and do things impulsively (hey that rhymed). that would explain my blabbering. Moreover, it would not allow me to give attention to things which i do not find interesting (that explaing why i dont remember names (YEAH dude, i am not interested in humans), and places). moreover it also makes my attention span hyper-short (which again explains why i used to have hundered things in front of me when ma karate master made me meditate!!!) Furthermore there were many other symptoms too which was listed and which i most defenitely had.

So that explained a lot about what was happening to me and especially the WHY factor in it. But hey, futher research showed, this four lettered acronym also gave me some serious advantages too. It confirmed the fact that i could hyper-focus on something which i found interesting for short time periods, I could learn with very fast and automatically provided it was something i found interesting (that explains the science and computers), I could look at any object or think about anything in many more and different way than most humans can, I can percieve and visualize the speed of time in my mind and most importantly It gives me a very high level of wisecrack humor (coz of the way i think). various other advantage and disadvantage were given too which are true too.

My whole life, i had felt and wanted to be different from other humans, but could never actually realize that i was different the whole time. I dont see this 'thing' as a disorder, but i see it as a gift. A gift which makes me this nutcase, which makes me this funny guy, which makes me this idiot who believes he can do whatever he dreams about. who believes he is different from all the other PESKY HUMANS out there...

Though i may not be the only one with this disorder. statistically two out of ten people would have some symptom of ADHD which is pretty much a good number when you consider the mass but...

Awww shit.. i should have just stopped when i said the punch line before... The bloody ADDer in me!!! guess i will never learn.. ;-)

Love
The ADDer Ninja

PS: will post more once ma memory returns.... :-D